Dear Derek
You are still hesitating aren’t you? And why do feel you still need to use the old ‘code name’- as if you have to protect your identity after all these years. Who from? Surely not from me! But then you were always careful – cautious and meticulous about every detail – I wouldn’t want to call it cowardice.
So Comrade Commander, there we were. All our men were ready hidden in the woods (and a few good women by that time too although you never liked to have rivals to your sex did you?). Ready for the surprise attack and to free me – But I don’t know what happened next of course.
You always were a good survivor, and now you want to make ammends. Or so I suppose from your writing to me after such a long time. To tidy up your accounts before the great reckoning perhaps?. You saved yourself, could you have saved me? You had the power. You were in command and there were more of us than them – but then there always are, aren’t there – what made you hesitate?
From where I lie now I don’t know the answer, and of course we were always taught the life of the individual is unimportant in the greater struggle. And yet, it was you who survived and now your letter comes back to haunt me -the irony I feel – as if your are asking me for something. Surely not forgiveness. Not you! But a little guilty, so you write.
So how did I look- you know – afterwards? Go on, you can tell me. You were always the realist in our merry band, and you can tell me, even writing in this strange new style you have assumed – nuevos canciones – something you have obviously learned in your new adopted united kingdomy where you now live. And perhaps you have children, and even grandchildren.
Don’t be disgusted by the idea of honesty, after all it is you who has chosen to break the silence. Your first letter has been burned, and the memories have – I promise you – all been forgotten. You see, even after all these years, I still follow the correct procedures. And truly I would not wish to give you the pleasure of adding another sheath of paper to your archive, not even one as slim as this.
Just so you know, as I also know that you will also have made copies. And there’s probably a book by now, or several I wouldn’t wonder – your several versions of events. And, it wouldn’t surprise me, if you also have a position in academic institution, a wealthy one no doubt, somewhere waiting patiently to take all your papers one day. Or several, so they would have to bid against each other for them: Make them beg for scraps, I can hear you saying.
No I am not bitter-why should I be? – now that you have revealed yourself and I can tell that you are still, yes, even after all these years, still hesitating.
Yours
B@